This is a difficult post to write. It's been floating around in my head for a few weeks because I've been trying to think of how to write it without sounding whiny, petty or ungrateful. If I do seem this way, please forgive me. I'm doing the best I can, as are we all.
Why is this post so difficult to write? Because it's about a difficult person -- my toddler. Don't get me wrong. I am grateful to pieces that he is my child. I am grateful that he is healthy, affectionate, funny, bright and perceptive, creative, generous and very ticklish, but today I am here to set things straight and tell you that things are not all sunshine,
flowers and
sidewalk chalk (surprise, surprise... right?)
Yes, all toddlers are challenging in their own, unique toddler-ish ways (as are they all utterly delightful in their own unique toddler-ish ways), but I must say, I'm glad this little Bloom is my second child and not my first. My older son challenged me in all the normal ways and, with the perspective of having been through toddlerhood with one child, I know that, when my little one is being difficult, I haven't done anything wrong and don't blame myself. My little one is just different from his brother... and more... difficult.
How is he difficult? He bites. He pinches. And he shrieks. A lot. Not just any kind of shrieking. Glass-shattering, icepick-through-the-eardrum, pickax-through-the-skull style shrieking. He shrieks (and sometimes bites and pinches) when he's angry, frustrated, wants attention, has an unfavorable opinion about something and even when he's happy and playing and having fun. When we go to the library or grocery store, we are greeted with grimacing smiles from familiar clerks. I smile back at them, cheerfully announcing, "Don't worry... We'll be leaving soon!" And last night, at 11:00, he woke up and shrieked for a solid 30 minutes (I tried everything. I picked him up and he struggled so I put him down. I offered to sing songs and read books. I offered him juice, milk and snacks. I took him outside to see the moon, etc... etc... Finally, I lit a candle and sang Happy Birthday. The screaming was suddenly replaced by placid cheerfulness, as if the past 30 minutes had never occurred. Can you see me heaving an exasperated sigh of relief and rolling my eyes?)
What do I do about the shrieking (and pinching and biting?) I used to flinch and get upset (I still do get upset sometimes.) I assess for hunger, pain or tiredness and otherwise try to talk to him gently, with reminders to use a gentle voice and gentle hands (it's always more helpful to show a child what we DO want instead of what we don't want, right?) When it's clear he's not in distress but testing limits or communicating by screaming, I flatten my expression, turn my back and walk away -- at which point, I usually hear a little voice behind me whisper, "Gentle voice..." My response to this, of course, is to turn around and say, "Yes, very good... gentle voice," then give lots of kisses and hugs. Things have improved somewhat by using this response consistently.
So, why am I writing this post? Like I said at the beginning, I'm glad this little guy is not my first child -- he is my second child, which gives me a better perspective on the whole shrieking, biting, pinching thing. But if you have a little one who shrieks, bites or pinches, I hope you might find comfort, kinship and a bit of support reading this today. Here are a few articles I recently found on the issue of biting (and other undesirable behaviors): there is
this excellent article and
this other excellent article, plus
this article here. I found reading these really helpful, and, if you've got a young child who screams, bites, pinches, hits or kicks, perhaps they will be helpful to you, too.